Sunday, August 26, 2012

Poo in the Afternoon

There are some days when a parent looks back at life prior to child with a certain kind of bewildered, disbelieving wonder:  "What on earth made us smile or laugh before this adorable little bundle came along?" for example.  

Then there are days when a parent looks forward in life in a way that I suppose would be comparable to Caesar's sentiment when preparing to cross the Rubicon:  "The die has been cast."  In other words, there is no going back now.  We have passed the point of no return.  We are parents, with all of the messy battles that parenting can bring... whether we like it or not.

Yesterday we did not like it. 

We are in the midst of walking those frightful corridors that every parent of a toddler must tread:  Potty training.  I've heard horror stories, and I've heard more horror stories.  I've never heard anything flowery or fun in relation to this topic.  But nothing I'd heard prepared me for our little adventure with Lilia yesterday.

At around 2 o'clock, after a very busy morning, we put her down for nap.  Since we heard not so much as a peep from her room, we fully believed her to be engaged in a blissful, sound sleep.  

Oh, what fools we were.

At about 4 o'clock, Jerry went to awaken our darling little angel from her precious "slumber."  About five seconds later, in response to his frantic calls for help, I joined him.  

She was not asleep.  Not only was she not asleep, but it appeared that she had not slept at all.  Not only that, but her diaper was OFF.  We slowly began to realize that not only was her diaper OFF, but the messy contents of her diaper were scattered EVERYWHERE about her room.  Yes, that's right, my friends:  The poo was EVERYWHERE:  On the bed rails, on the blankets, on the window, on the carpet, on the stuffed animals, on the walls, on the books, on the furniture.  There was nary a spot in the room that the poo had not touched.  And it smelled.  Badly.  The smell of poo pervaded the nostrils in a most ferocious manner.

Oh yes, and did I mention that the poo was also all over our adorable little daughter?  How could I forget that little tidbit?  The poo was also covering our daughter.  She also smelled of poo.

It's very hard to convey the emotions that coursed through our bodies at that moment.  First, we were appalled.  Then, we were angry.  Then, we were sad.  Then, we were frustrated.  Finally, we realized that we needed to break free from our state of petrified disbelief and DO something! 

What did we do?  Oh, I'm so glad you asked.  As Jerry angrily bathed our filthy child, I collected an odd assortment of necessary implements:  Paper towels, rags, latex gloves, boiling water.  I felt a little bit like I was preparing to deliver someone's baby.   I began to slowly collect the fragments of poo and place them in plastic bags.  I collected each item with a copious amount of poo on it to be either disposed of immediately or placed into a boiling cauldron.  

I then began to scrape hardened poo off of the furniture, the walls, the bed rails.  I think it was at this point that I began to wish I had never been born.  Jerry then uttered a few minor profanities.  (Or that might have been me, I can't really remember.  It was all so traumatic).

After our child was cleaned and disinfected, Jerry joined me.  We worked together in true marital harmony, as one:  Scraping, wiping, disinfecting, cursing.  After one and one half hours of this arduous labor, we began to see the fruits of our efforts.  The room once again looked like the shining, safe abode of our little gift from above.  *grr!*

We laughed a little bit about it today.  Tomorrow we may laugh a bit more.  I fancy that twenty years from now we will be rolling with laughter as we share this information with Lilia's betrothed.  

Yesterday, we did not laugh.  We only cried and postulated various theories about what strange creature had temporarily taken over the body of our adorable little baby girl.  

And just in case you are wondering:  Boiling water removes poo from walls very quickly and effectively.  Hydrogen peroxide is a must for poo embedded in carpet.